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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22798537">Don't Beat Yourself Up</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Bad Sex, Bottom Oikawa Tooru, Clubbing, Cocaine, Drug Use, Emotionally and physically, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Kinda, M/M, Minor Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru is a Mess, Oral Sex, Painful Sex, Post Karasuno Match, Rough Sex, Season 2 spoilers, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Semi-Public Sex, Spit As Lube, Underage Drinking, Unsafe Sex, but like not in a good way???, i guess, im sorry, no happy ending, oikawa is going through it, self-destructive behaviors, sex with strangers, sorry - Freeform, spoilers in summary, ugh my mind, why do i want my son to suffer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 18:40:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,765</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22798537</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s here because its fun, he tells himself, it has nothing to do with the pain in his chest and his undeniable urge to disappear off the face of the earth. He doesn’t care that much about volleyball, it doesn’t matter that his high school volleyball career is over, who gives a fuck if you never go to nationals?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Iwaizumi Hajime &amp; Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru/Original Character(s), Oikawa Tooru/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Don't Beat Yourself Up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi im so sorry.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It wasn’t like tonight was different from any other night. That’s what Oikawa kept telling himself, repeating it like a mantra in his head. He flashes his fake ID at the bouncer, too exhausted to bother with his usual eyelash batting and flirting, it’s not like he’d ever been denied. The flashing lights and pounding music pulsed along with the throbbing in his head. He’s here because its fun, he tells himself, it has nothing to do with the pain in his chest and his undeniable urge to disappear off the face of the earth. He doesn’t care that much about volleyball, it doesn’t matter that his high school volleyball career is over, who gives a fuck if you never go to nationals? His feet drag him over to the bar, his body craving any kind of substance to numb the feeling coursing through him. He feels his phone buzz in his pocket, silently cursing himself for not turning it off. The screen is too bright and for a second he seriously considers throwing the stupid thing to the ground and crushing it until his eyes focus on the notification.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Messages</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Iwa-Chan</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Checking to see if you got home safe. Don’t beat yourself up so much Shittykawa.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oikawa closed his eyes, feeling a slight flutter break through the pain in his chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whats a guy like you doing here all alone?” Oikawa opens his eyes to find a guy leaning next to him at the bar, his eyes hungrily staring him up and down. The guy is nothing special to look at, just some over-confident college douche that Oikawa wouldn’t glance twice at outside of this club but, the way he looks at him like he’s nothing but an object is exactly what he needs right now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Oikawa feels his lips moving with sultry confidence but, his brain is fogged up and moving on auto-pilot, knowing exactly what to say to get exactly what he wants. The guy smirks back at him and tells him his name, a little bit of information that his brain purposely ignores. He has no reason or desire to know what is it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you drinking?” As he watches average boy buy two drinks, Oikawa feels his phone vibrate again. He knows its Iwa, a fact that sends a different kind of pang throughout his chest. He knows he should thankful for his concern, and that it would be smarter for him to leave this club where the music is too loud and the air too slate for the comfort of his best friend. Comfort isn’t what he wants right now though, all he wants is the mindless high of self-destruction. He feels a drink pushed into his hand and his body pulled onto the dance floor. He closes his eyes, feeling the pulsing of shitty music and the grinding of average boy’s body against his. He tries to focus on the feeling of their bodies together instead of his now racing thoughts but, his partner is terrible at matching the beats of the music and his hands are entirely too sweaty. A wave of nausea falls over Oikawa’s body as the sweaty hands uncomfortably grip at his hips and dance over his chest. Relief hits him as the hands move away from him. Maybe this guy realized that Oikawa, even in his state of self-hatred, was too good for him. Suddenly, he feels his body being pulled around to face him, his brain taking a second to register the snuff spoon being pushed towards his nose. He quickly plugs one nostril and inhales quickly, a familiar burn ripping through his nose. Average boy gives him the same smirk from before, the hungry look in his eyes reappearing. Oikawa’s head starts spinning, only he wishes it was from the alcohol and coke. He still can’t escape the pain in his chest, the anger and frustration and self-hatred burning through his veins. He’s feeling himself snap.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck it.” He pulls average boy into a rough kiss, his hands balling into white-knuckled fists onto his shirt. Oikawa can feel the guy’s initial shock fade away, gripping his hips roughly and wasting no time shoving his tongue into Oikawa’s mouth. He needs more, he needs to feel anything other than the disappointment crushing him or the way the shattered pieces of his heart stab into him with every movement. He can’t waste any more time. He breaks their kiss and pulls the guy away from the crowd.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Want to come back to my place?’ He hears the guy say. Oikawa has to use what very little will he had left to not rolls his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can’t wait that long.” He lies through his teeth. Oikawa wouldn’t be caught dead giving any of these guys the satisfaction of taking him home, let alone this one. He finds the boy’s sweaty hand with his own and pulls him through the crowd of people, he’s feet pulling him on a path he’s familiar with. His body takes him to a bathroom in one of the dark hallways of the club, and before he knows it he’s being shoved up against the graffitied door. The guy leans in to kiss his lips but, Oikawa moves his head to the side so the lips attach to his neck instead. He feels a hot tongue licking stripes up and down his neck and teeth biting into the flesh. He wraps his arms around the boy’s neck and pulls his head back, trying to let the pleasure overpower the hurt stinging through his body. He pushes his thigh in between the boy’s legs, roughly grinding against him to let him know exactly what he wants and how he wants it. He needs to be fucked absolutely mindless, so hard he forgets about everything outside these bathroom walls. He feels the boys erection growing quickly underneath his jeans, and he snakes his arm from around his neck and down his body, resting on the clothed erection. The guy groans loudly in his ear, the sound making Oikawa’s stomach turn.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Someone’s impatient.” The boy flashes his disgusting smirk at him, and for a moment, Oikawa seriously considers punching him straight in the face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t talk.” Instead, he flips their bodies and kneels in front of him. He wastes no time with the zipper on his pants and pulling them down with his boxers just enough so that the boy’s cock springs free against his stomach. He was overwhelmingly average, definitely nothing to get excited about. Regardless, Oikawa wraps his lips around the head and sucks, using his hand to stroke at the shaft. Almost immediately, the boy’s hands knot themselves into Oikawa’s hair. His grip is a little too tight, and he’s bobbing Oikawa’s head so forcefully that there’s no way it can be enjoyable to him. Oikawa tries to hardest to fight against the push of the sweaty hands, taking the cock deep in his throat, trying to clear his mind of all thoughts except this. It’s no use, the hands in his hair only seem to get tighter, the pounding in his head more intense, and his thoughts racing faster and faster around his brain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh shit. I’m going to-” before he can finish, Oikawa forced his head back and pulls his mouth off the cock with a sharp pop. Before he can turn his head, the boy’s lips are on his, his tongue shoving down Oikawa’s throat as he pushes him back against the sink. He breaks their kiss and turns around, leaning forward against the skin and pushing his ass back to grind against the guy’s groin. Oikawa feels his pants and underwear being ripped down, and sweaty hand roughly grabbing his ass and squeezing like his life depended on it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you have lube?” Oikawa has to hold back from scoffing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just use spit.” He grinds back even harder to prove a point. The guy leans down and spits on Oikawa’s tight ring of muscle. Without warning, he feels two fingers shoved inside of him. His body tightens and he winces, this new pain starting to overpower the old. Either this guy has no experience, is more drunk and coked out than Oikawa thought, or just a dick. He forcefully pushed the fingers deeper inside the tight hole, leaving Oikawa white-knuckled against the sink. Before he knows it, the fingers are being pulled out and he feels the head of this guy’s dick against his puckered hole. He wasn’t prepared enough but, deep down he hoped that this pain would take away all the pain in his chest. He feels average boy push in, pain ripping up his spine. He bites down hard on his lip. He needs this, and he refuses to tell him to stop. Oikawa Tooru can handle a little pain. Oikawa Tooru doesn’t let anything break up. For a second he thinks about how he should have asked if the guy had a condom but, it’s too late now he thinks. The boy begins thrusting, his nails digging into Oikawa’s hips. Oikawa lets out a small whine, but this boy is too busy pounding away at his hole to notice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Holy fuck.” The guy is moaning loudly, and as his thrusts get harder, the pain fades slowly into pleasure. It isn’t enough though. Oikawa pushes his hips back to meet the thrusts. He needs more, more feeling, more distractions, more of anything that isn’t the pain that seems permanently rooted in his body. He reaches down to stroke himself but, his arms are grabbed and pinned behind him. He feels the thrusts become more erratic, his partner’s breath becoming more labored. With a few more thrusts, he feels the orgasm rock the guy’s body, shooting white-hot into his hole. Before he knows it, average boy already has his pants pulled up, and Oikawa remains bent over the sink staring down at the rusted metal drain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, head back to mine?” Oikawa laughs, his fists tightening once again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Get lost.” He doesn’t bother looking up because truthfully, he really doesn’t care about the guy’s reaction. He hears the door open and close, the pounding in his head intensifying. All of a sudden he’s dizzy, hot tears start filling over from his eyes and down his face. He feels his body sink down to the floor. It’s really all over now. And there’s absolutely nothing he can do. He feels his phone buzz once more, and that’s all it takes for the sobs to completely take over his body</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you for reading!! remember to always protect yourself during sex and don't be like oikawa in this fic! i love him im sorry i made him suffer. feel free to leave comments/concerns/anything :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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